


The Morning in My Mind; Too Bright

by Ashtree11



Category: Control (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Light Angst, and emily a heat vampire, been having trouble sleeping lately so have jesse doing the same, lowkey i like the headcanon of jesse being a human space heater
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashtree11/pseuds/Ashtree11
Summary: In the middle of the night, Emily wakes up alone. It’s not the first time she finds Jesse spending a sleepless night out on the balcony of their apartment. This time though, Emily is determined to know why.
Relationships: Jesse Faden/Emily Pope
Comments: 5
Kudos: 70





	The Morning in My Mind; Too Bright

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind me, just projecting a little here. sorry if it reads a little rough or like it's rushed. it was supposed to be something quick and... i guess i needed to write something smaller in the midst of my mountains of projects heh  
> regardless, i hope you enjoy

A chill nips at Emily’s fingertips and it’s then that she realizes that they were curling around empty bed sheets in a vain attempt to keep warm. Her eyes peel open, stiff and crusted with sleep as a dream she’s already forgotten fades from her retinas. Confusion spurs her to sit up and the lukewarm covers fall from her shoulders.

Though she is used to sleeping alone, the past few weeks have broken that pattern and she glances about her dark bedroom for the person responsible for it.

“Jesse?” she calls out.

Silence answers. The bathroom lights are off, and the bedroom door is ajar. 

_Ah, she’s out there again,_ Emily concludes as she throws the covers off, slips her bare feet into the slippers resting at the side of the bed, and shuffles out of the room. 

The living room was empty, but she wasn’t surprised. This isn’t the first time that her attention finds a lone figure leaning her elbows against the balcony railing while she stared out at the city lights.

Emily sighs wistfully at the sight. Sleepless nights are perhaps one of the things she and Jesse have in common, though instinctively she knew they are for vastly different reasons. She heads into the kitchen, and with practiced ease boils a kettle of water, drips a generous dollop of honey alongside a teabag in a chipped Princeton mug that has been unofficially designated as Jesse’s, and walks over to carefully open the sliding door to the balcony. The din of New York nightlife, distant sirens, the rush of cars and their squealing brakes rose to greet her.

“Can’t sleep?” she greets gently, yet Jesse jumps at the sound of her voice regardless. When she sees who it is though, she relaxes and an easy smile tugs on the corner of her lips despite the clear exhaustion in her eyes.

“Oh, hey Em. What’re you doing awake?”

“I’m getting used to you being my personal space heater, so it’s easy to know when you’re gone,” Emily jests, coming to join the other woman at the railing. “But I’m also used to losing sleep regardless of the cause. It’s you I’m more worried about.” She holds out the steaming mug of tea for her to take.

For a moment, Jesse hesitates, eyeing the proffered mug with uncertainty. Only when Emily smiles encouragingly, does she take the drink with a murmured thank you.

When she recognizes the aroma wafting over her nose, she smirks, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Your secret stash of chamomile? I feel special.”

“Drastic times and drastic measures, just make sure you let it cool off before you drink,” Emily says teasingly.

Jesse feigns an exasperated sigh. “Never gonna let me live that day down are you?” 

“Seeing you dive into a bowl of noodles straight off the stove and your instant regret was quite a sight, can you blame me?”

The two share a laugh at the memory of their first dinner together and, for a moment, both of them forget about their respective reasons for being here in the middle of the night.

Regrettably, Emily knows that she needs to be one to break it. “You’ve been coming out here a lot.” She keeps her tone soft and sympathetic. The last thing she wants is to sound accusing.

Jesse says nothing in response. Her expression fades into something unreadable, betraying nothing about whether she was embarrassed about having been found out or upset or... anything. Instead she hides behind taking small (careful) sips of her beverage while staring out towards the cityscape stretched before them.

But even in the dark, Emily sees the tension in her shoulders, wound up tight with the familiar burden of bearing unspoken feelings. She lays a hand there and rubs soothing circles as she speaks, “Jesse, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah... I do.” They fall into a long pause, with Jesse’s thumb tracing over the embossed university logo on the side of the mug pensively. Gradually, a forlorn frown finds its way to her lips, caressed by the wisping steam rising from the warm drink in her hands. Eventually though, her lips part with a steady inhale. “I guess I’m having a hard time adjusting,” she confesses.

Emily tilts her head curiously. “To what?”

Jesse gestures vaguely. “This. All of this. Being with you, living in your apartment, you bringing me tea and asking how I am even though it’s the middle of the night. I just...” Her shoulders slump as her words die in her throat and silence retakes the stage.

Emily lets it hang for a moment, waiting patiently in case Jesse regains her words. And when she doesn’t, she says, “If you’re not comfortable here, Jesse, or if you think we might be moving too fast, I won’t take offense to you wanting to get your own place.”

Jesse shakes her head, laughing a watery and humorless laugh. “It’s not like that at all, Em.” She’s never had a relationship before, how would she know if something was going too fast or slow? But even so, she feels good with Emily, more than good. Too... good. She sighs, her eyes falling shut for a moment as if bracing herself. “I’m afraid of going to sleep,” she tries again.

Emily’s eyebrows raise. “Nightmares?” While concern laces her voice, confusion snags on the back of her mind. What does Jesse dream that she’s unable to adjust to her new life here?

“Yeah I have them sometimes,” Jesse admits readily, and before guilt could settle in Emily’s stomach she adds, “but that’s not what I mean.”

She takes another sip to gather herself, though her hand is shaky when she lowers the mug. “I keep thinking that when I wake up and I’ll be back on a park bench someplace, or in a shitty roadside motel I crashed in for the night. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up and this was a dream all along.”

Now it was Emily’s turn to be speechless. Though protest and reassurances rushes up her throat, none of them are able to materialize.

“The worst part of it though,” Jesse continues in a voice so small and woven with shame that it brought an ache in Emily’s chest. “The worst part is that if that actually happens, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d be devastated, sure. I can imagine that I won’t be able to move from whatever bench or ratty bed I woke up on for a while. I think I’d cry over it too, cuz I lost something I never actually had. But at the same time I know I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Then she chuckles, dry and resigned. “I mean, I spent half my life being told that whatever I thought happened in Ordinary _didn’t_ , what’s one more thing to add to the pile? Half my life, all I’ve done is run from things; from places, from people. But now? I run a bureau, I found my brother, Polaris is still around, I have a consistent roof over my head; I have a _home_ again...” Then she looks at Emily. The city lights glint off unshed tears gathering at the brim of her eyes as she gives her a melancholic smile. “And I have you. It’s all great, like things are finally starting to make sense... So why can’t I believe it enough to sleep? Am I being ungrateful?”

Her head hangs, and the melancholic smile twists into what Emily could easily recognize as a self-loathing scowl. 

Emily’s hand that had been resting on Jesse’s shoulder shifts to the back of her neck, an action she hopes is soothing. She leans in closer, speaking in a soft murmur. “Jesse. Look at me, please.” 

She does.

“You deserve to be happy. And you’re not being ungrateful. What you’ve lived through... I understand that it’s difficult to adapt. It’s shitty, but it’s _real_ and it will get easier.” 

“What if it doesn’t? I don’t want to burden you, Em. You being out here for me is too much already.”

At that, Emily raises her other hand to stroke Jesse’s cheek, and whether she was aware of it or not, Jesse leans into the touch. “I’ll be the judge of that,” Emily affirms. “In the meantime, I’m not going anywhere, and bringing you tea is the least I can do.” With a smile she adds, “Besides, you’re the best roommate I’ve had, definitely a keeper and worth staying up for.”

To her relief, it does get a little laugh. “I’m glad I least cleared _that_ bar. Sounds like you have more grad school stories to share,” Jesse remarks, lifting the Princeton mug to punctuate the statement.

“Oh I could fill a book with the stories I have.” Emily reaches up and brushes aside the lock of Jesse’s bangs away to place a gentle, lingering kiss against the woman’s temple. “In all seriousness though,” she says, “I can say in confidence that you worked your ass off to be here. And regardless of your past, you don’t _need_ to be ‘worthy’ of any of this. I’ll spend as many nights out here with you as it takes to convince you of that.”

A hum rumbles in the back of Jesse’s throat as she brushes their noses together. “I wouldn’t be a very good roommate if I let you do that, would I?”

“I’m sure you can make it up to me somehow.”

Jesse smirks, a genuine one this time that crinkles the corner of one eye. “And does tonight count as something I gotta make up for?” 

At that, Emily shrugs a shoulder, running her fingers through Jesse’s ponytail, mindful of the little knots created from blowing the night’s breeze. “Finish your tea and come back to bed then we’re square.”

“Damn, you drive a hard bargain, Pope. But alright” Jesse relents and takes a hearty gulp. When she winces and shudders from the rush of heat running down her throat that turns her sharp exhale into vapor against the chilled air, Emily tuts and confiscates the mug.

“What am I going to do with you?” she sighs, yet made no effort to suppress the fond smile that lifts the corner of her mouth and warms her chest, not when she has Jesse’s delightful, and sheepish grin to contend with.

They walk back into the apartment, Emily first then Jesse who turns to muffle the city noise with the sliding door that _shlinks_ shut and locks with a click. The coziness of the heated apartment, contrasting the crisp night of the balcony, envelopes them. It eases the tension from Jesse’s shoulders and her eyelids are suddenly much heavier than they had been a few moments ago. The sight strengthens Emily’s resolve to see them both to bed. 

Their hands find one another with familiar ease and thumbs unconsciously rubbing over knuckles. Likewise, when they burrow beneath the covers, their bodies mold together seamlessly. Normally, Emily would tuck herself beneath Jesse’s chin, nosing her way into the crook of Jesse’s neck where it was warmest.

Jesse expects it, loosening her hold on Emily to let her shift and get comfortable. But instead of feeling Emily’s arms around her waist and her soft breaths against her neck, she finds herself in the reverse position. With gentle coaxing, Emily becomes the one to hold Jesse.

Just as she was about to open her mouth and protest, she feels Emily free her hair from its ponytail and threads her fingers through the loose tresses, lightly trailing her short nails over her scalp. The rhythmic ministration, coupled with the floral scent of Emily’s body wash and their shared body heat, crumbles her will and her muscles go lax. She... maybe she could get used to this: the last coherent thought before her eyes finally fall shut.

“Goodnight, Jesse,” Emily whispers when the first rumbles of Jesse’s snoring meets her ears.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Ashtree111) if you'd like


End file.
